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^enison ^sjpecialties 

HIGH BROWN 
BREACH OF PROMISE 

By 
SKeldon Parmer 



^S.^enison & 6)mpany 

n^ublishers ■ Chicago 






/- 



Price, 30 Cents 



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T.S.DENISGN & COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S, Wabash Ave. , Chicago 



High Brown Breach of Promise 



A BLACK AND TAN ABSURDITY 



BY 

SHELDON PARMER 

AUTHOR OF 

'Safety First" "Lighthouse Nan," "An Ari::nna Cowboy'' "Fun 
in a Chinese Laundry" etc. 




CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

PuBLISHEJiS 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

FOR SIXTEEN OR TWENTY-TWO MALES >h^^ /v'J-V 

CHARACTERS. .t'^ 

Judge Goose Tall, Heazfy, Dignified and Black 

Benny Buzzer The Janitor, Ragged and La.cy 

Sheriff Shrinks Wears an Office/s Badge 

Lawyer Snip. .Thin, Active, Quick Spoken, Well Dressed 

Lawyer Snap Oratorical, Young, Overdressed 

Rastus Jones. .The Prisoner, A Fnnny Little Brozmi Man 

Ammonia White Big Black Gal, Dressed in White 

Aunty Louder Old Black Mammy; Shoidd Sing 

Mr. Bucksaw. .A Witness; Should Play Banjo, if Possible 

Mr. Spareribs A Witness, Big Yellozv Farmer 

Simon Peter Peck-in-Paw. . . .A Juryman, Old and Black 

DooLiTTLE Dough-Head Walks zmth Crutches 

Bolivar Chickenfeet Comedy Jnror, A Bad Man 

Pinky Pinfeathers A Cullud Sport 

Jake Buttonbuster Brozvn and Very Fat 

Slim MY Beanpole Tall, Brozvn and Thin 

Watermelon Wishbone A Ja::a Singer 

Perfumery Pigsfoot A Black Tramp 

Inkblack Nightshade. . . .All in Black; Carries Umbrella 

Hiram Hogliver Wears Lodge Badges and Baldric 

LiLYBLOSSOM Razorblade A Coffec-Colorcd Soldier 

Sappy Bonehead An Effeminate Dude 



Scene — A Courtroom. 



Time of Playing — One Hour. 



COPYRIGHT. 1921. BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 

2©aD 587-2 



St? ^6 '21 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 

Ammonia White, very big and very black, is suing little 
Rastus Jones for breach of promise, because Rastus pro- 
posed matrimony to her and sealed the compact with a kiss, 
but later got "cold feet" and refused to lead the coal-black 
Amazon to the church. Rastus, on the witness stand, claims 
that he lost all his enthusiasm for marriage when he saw his 
dusky fiancee bestow her affections on the dappel* young 
Lawyer Snap, who is Ammonia's lawyer. But so well does 
Snap plead the case for his client that the jury are in favor 
of sending Rastus to the pen for life, when Bolivar Chicken- 
feet takes the stand and imparts the astonishing informa- 
tion that Snap and Ammonia are really man and wife and 
are engaged in the breach-of-promise suit in order to flim- 
flam Rastus out of his hard-earned dollars. Judge Goose, 
learning the true state of affairs, fines Snap 'leven hundred 
dollars and sentences him to ninety days in the county jail. 
Much of the humorous dialogue and action is furnished 
by Benny Buzzer, the lazy janitor, and by Aunty Louder, 
the obtuse old mammy, who "ain't goin' to 'low no man to 
cross-examine herf' 

This little entertainment was originally written for 
church production, but it will prove very funny in the hands 
of any organization composed of men or boys. It is very 
easy to stage, as no scenery or curtains are needed, and may 
be prepared in eight or ten days, as the parts are short and 
snappy. It is recommended to Boy Scouts, Y. M. C. A. 
and K. of C. organizations, church brotherhoods, Rotary 
Clubs, Kiwanis Clubs, boys' schools and colleges. One 
hour of clean, side-splitting diversion. 



NOTES ON A SUCCESSFUL PRODUCTION. 

All characters should act their parts every minute they 
are on the stage, no matter whether they are speaking or 
not. A good actor can help the scene by always being alert 



4 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

to what is going on, looking surprised, happy or indignant 
as the case may be. 

When speaking the Hnes pay attention to the punctuation 
points. Pause after every comma and pause after every 
period. When the audience laughs, wait until they finish 
before resuming the lines. Don't play too fast. Allow the 
points of the play to sink into the minds of the audience. 

Buzzer's exclamations should be made directly to the 
audience, and the other actors pay absolutely no attention 
to them. 

This play may be given by sixteen men instead of the 
twenty-two called for in the text, by omitting six of the 
jurymen. 

When singing a song let every word and every syllable 
be heard by the audience, shun affectation and don't 
whine your song, sing it. In the quartet singing don't try 
to out-sing the other fellow. Let the air be heard above 
the harmony and modulate your voices to a pleasant volume. 

Stand so that you face the audience while speaking your 
lines. Let every word be heard by everyone in the house. 

Don't disclose the plot of the play before the performance 
takes place. 

In using a burnt cork make-up, remember a little water 
is all that is needed. Under no circumstances use any 
grease, red paint or cold cream. 

Learn every line of the play exactly as written. Don't 
insert your own words, as this confuses the other actors 
and in nine cases out of ten will not improve the humor 
of the play. Do not try to obtrude yourself on the audi- 
ence by making faces, mugging, etc. Allow the person who 
is speaking to have the unchvided attention of the audience. 
A performance of this play was ruined at one time by a 
w^ould-be comedian in the jury making a funny fall from 
his seat while Aunty was holding the stage and the atten- 
tion of the audience. 

Advertise your play ten days before the performance. 

Every character should have a copy of the play-book, 



I^IGH BROWN BREACH OF PROAllSFi 5 

not only to learn his lines from, but to give him a com- 
plete knowledge of the play. If this advice is followed 
everyone will sing the same words in the choruses. 

Most of the characters make up black. To make up, 
take a small bit of prepared burnt cork the size of a hickory 
nut, add a little water to it, make a paste and spread it all 
over the face, ears and neck, except at the lips. When 
this dries, brush ofif the superfluous cork with a bit of cot- 
ton. Blacken the outside of the hands or wear gloves. To 
remove make-up, use soap and water, but no cold cream 
or grease of any sort, as this makes the cork »stick to the 
skin. It is not necessary to paint the lips, as their natural 
hue contrasts strongly enough with the black. Wigs may 
be worn if desired, but a good effect is obtained by touching 
up the natural hair with the burnt cork, which is easily 
removed by soap and water. The Judge may w^ear a gray 
negro wig. gray crepe or cotton eyebrows, large spectacles, 
battered plug hat, long coat, white shirt, collar and tie, and 
carry a large umbrella. A red bandana is indispensable. 
Bits of gray crepe-hair may be attached to chin with spirit 
gum. 

Any shade of brown or yellow may be given the face by 
using grease-paints of the desired colors. Paints numbers 
14, 15, 19 and 20 may be used to good advantage. First 
apply a light coat of cold cream to the face, allow it to 
dry and remove surplus with cotton puff or cloth, then 
apply a light coating of the grease paint, then powder with 
a powder that matches the paint in shade. In some per- 
formances all the characters have been black, but high- 
brown shades make a more amusing and a more natural set- 
ting. Ammonia and Aunty may wear *' Mammy," "Topsy" 
or "Fuzzy- Wuzzy" wigs. Aunty may wear spectacles and 
sunbonnet, but Ammonia must be dressed in ultra-fash- 
ionable style and should l)e played by a tall, heavy, cjumsy 
man. 

If this sketch is given as an afterpiece for a minstrel per- 
formance, the middleman usually plays the Judge, the chief 



6 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

comedians play Buzzer, Aunty and Bolivar, and the snappy 
juvenile men play Snip and Snap. 

The Judge may have a copy of the play on his desk. 
This part is usually played by the director of the company. 
The play may be given anywhere and it usually takes about 
ten days to prepare for it. No scenery or curtains are nec- 
essary. 





SCENE PLOT. 








Judges Chair 
□ 
Table 1 1 


ChairsX 
TafaleX W\ 


Left 


Witness 1 1 

Chair' 1 


\ 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left ; / E., first entrance ; U. E., upper entrance ; R. j E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from foot- 
Hghts ; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed 
to be facing the audience. 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 



Scene: A courtroom. Elevated seat for Judge, behind a 
small desk or a pulpit. On tills desk are a pitcher of water, 
a gaz'el and a hloivn-up bladder tied to a string. Tzvelve 
chairs for the jury appear in two rozvs at the right side, 
facing left. Table and several chairs at left side. Large 
witness chair at left of Judge's seat which is in the center 
of the stage at the rear. No scenery or curtains are neces- 
sary. The characters all enter from the audience room, 
walking down the aisle and climbing to the stage. Before 
the play begins the actors are concealed at the rear of the 
audience room. They sing, unaccompanied: 

I wish I was in Dixie, 

Hooray ! Hooray ! 
In Dixie Land I'll take my stand. 

To live an' die in Dixie. 
Away, away, 

Away down south in Dixie. 
Away, away, 

Away down south {retard) in Dixie. 

(Note. — Any otJier part-song may be substituted for this 
one.) 

During the singing Buzzer takes a seat in the audience 
and falls asleep. At the end of the song Sheriff Shrinks 
appears in the rear of the audience room. He is black, 
dressed in ordinary costume and zvears a large sheriff's 
I adijc, made of pasteboard covered imth tinfoil. 

Sheriff. Buzzer, Buzzer! Has anybody seen anything 
rf that pin-headed Benny Buzzer? We can't start the 
breach-of-promise suit till I find Benny Buzzer. 

Buzzer (snores). 

Sheriff. Oh, there you is. And sound asleep, too. 
just like dat possum, sound asleep when he ought to be 

7 



^ HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROAHSE 

cleaning up the courtroom.. (Goes to him.) Don't he look 
Hke mamma's h'ttle sleeping angel? {Shakes him.) Here, 
wake up ! 

Buzzer (s)iores loudly). 

Sheriff. Benny Buzzer, you wake up and come on and 
clean out this here courtroom. 

Buzzer (snorts). 

Sheriff. I can't wake him up and it's pretty near time 
for his honor, Judge Goose, to be here. Wait till I look 
at my watch. (Takes an alarm eloek from his pocket, starts 
the alarm and holds it to Buzzer's ear. Buzzer zvakes sud- 
denly and falls to the floor.) 

Buzzer. What is it? Where's the fire? What's the 
matter ? 

Sheriff, Get up there and clean out the courtroom. 

Buzzer {exclaims). Well, strike me on the head, if it 
ain't the Sheriff! Lawsy, I thought my wife. Sweet Pa- 
looty, done kicked me out of bed. 

Sheriff (leads him to the stage). Now you get to work. 
Vou clean out this here courtroom or I'll clean you out. 

Buzzer (takes broom, grumbling). More work. Noth- 
ing at all to do round here but work. (Szveeps a little.) 

Sheriff (on stage). Work? You don't know the mean- 
ing of the word work. It's the Sheriff that does the work. 

Buzzer. No^ 'tain't, no, 'tain't. It's the janitor. This 
here place is just like every other place in town. The boss 
draws all the money and the janitor does all the work. 

Sheriff. Go on, now, and clean up. It's almost time 
for the Judge to be here. (Starts doivn aisle tJirough audi- 
ence room.) 

Buzzer (dusting around ver\ busilv). I'm a working, 
ain't I ? 

Sheriff (at exit of audience room). Well, hurry up, 
'cause it's time for me to bring in the jury this very minute. 
(Disappears.) 

Buzzer. I bet the next job I take I'm going to get one 
where [ don't have to do no work at all no time. I reckon 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 9 

Dl try lo get me a job in . {Name some local "snap"' 

job.) That old Sheriff must think I'm going to clean out 
this here court ten times a day. There, I guess everything 
is all right. (Slams Judge's chair dozvn.) Chair's all right. 
{Kicks desk or pulpit.) Desk is all right. (Slaps gavel 
dozvn on desk.) Gavel's all right. (Szmngs bladder around 
and hits himself in face by mistake.) Pacifier is all right. 
( Takes zvater pitcher.) Water pitcher is all right. (Drinks.) 
And the janitor is all right. (Sits in chair by table, stretches 
feet out in front of him.) Nothing to do now but wait till 
his honor, old Judge Goose, arrives. (Sings to "made-up" 
tunc) : 

Had a funny dream the other night. 

Skunk and a polecat had a fight, 

Fought until the nineteenth round, 

When the skunk blew the polecat oil the ground. 

Sheriff (outside, invisible to audience, calls in a loud 
sing-song tone). Make way! Way for the honorable Sheriff 
of this county and the twelve honest men of the jury. 

Buzzer. Hot dog, that old Sheriff certainly do love him- 
self to death. Here comes the jury now. 

Sheriff and Jury march in and dozen tJie center aisle 
singing to the tune of "There'll be a Hot Time in the Old 
Tozvn Tonight," or zcith a modification of the last line the 
zvords may be sung to the tune of "John Brozvn's Body," 
Sheriff marches first, then Simox and Doolittle, Lily 
and Jake^ Watermelon and Bolivar, Pinky and Per- 
fumery, Inkblack and Hiram, Sappy and Slimmy. As 
they march dozvn the aisle they sing: 

When you see the jury marching in. 

Then it's time to let the court begin, 

I'll bet the Judge is somewhere drinking gin, 

There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. 

Rastus Jones, he surely is a sight, 

He's being sued by Miss Ammonia White 



10 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

For a breach of promise, I think it serves him right, 
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. 
( They line up on the stage facing the audience and sing 
as they shake fingers at the audience.) 

Here stand the jury, twelve good honest men, 
You'd better tremble, or we'll send you to the pen, 
If you've been there, we'll send you back again, 
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. 
Sheriff {at R.). The Judge don't seem to have arrived 
on the spot. Has anyone seen him? 

Buzzer (at L.). Yes, sir. I done seen him about an 
hour ago, walking down Petticoat Lane. 

Sheriff. Petticoat Lane? Where is Petticoat Lane? 
Buzzer. Oh, it's just about two blocks short of the out- 
skirts. 

Bolivar. If we ain't got nothing else to do, let's have 
a song. 

Sheriff. Sure. Watermelon Wishbone, go on and sing 

us about . (Insert the name of the song.) 

Watermelon. All right. I'll sing if you all will jine in 
the chorus. (Specialty introduced.) 

Buzzer (after end of the song). Here comes the Judge. 
Yessir, I seen him out the window. Make way for the 
right honorable. Judge Goose. 

Sheriff (at C). Jury, take your seats and sing to wel- 
come the Judge. 

Jury stand at R. in tzvo rows, Bolivar and Slim my near- 
est the audience. All sing as Judge Goose struts dozvn the 
aisle, bozi/ing L. and R. 

Here comes the Judge, oh, doesn't he look grand, 
Bowing right and left, polite to beat the band; 
He's so full of dignity that he can hardly stand, 
There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. 
Judge (standing back of his desk or pulpit). Ladies and 
gentlemen, brickbats, tin cans and babies, and fellow mem- 
bers of the Republican Party. 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 11 

All (standing, applaud wildly). Hurray! 

Buzzer (after the others, raises Jiis hand and says 
weakly). Hurray! 

Judge. I stand here in all my official dignity to bid you 
welcome to the courts of justice. On this special occasion 
the elimination of the elucidation appears to coerce the 
cohesion of the gratification. 

Buzzer. Oh, mamma, wash my face! 

Judge. The pervisity of the sinuosity leads me here 
tonight to articulate for a unanimous period on the impe- 
cuniosity of the Democratic Party. (Pause.) I pause for 
a reply. Shall I proceed? 

Buzzer. Go ahead, Judge, we's aU got life insurance. 

Judge (to audience). If you don't say nothin' dat means 
that you are with us and for us, or in the words of the 
mighty Shakespeare as he says in Paradise Lost, *Tt's a 
strong wind dat blows nobody good in a colored audience." 
Now dat brings us again to the parallelogram of party poh- 
tics which at present, ladies and gentlemen, reminds me of 
a walnut. 

All. a walnut? 

Buzzer. How come do politics remind you of a walnut ? 

Judge (to audience). Now you all take the outside of a 
common walnut and what does you find? (Oratorically.) 
I axes you, what does you find? 

Buzzer. I dunno. Judge. What does you find? 

Judge. You find a soft, green, bitter bark what no one 
has no use for. Dat is de Socialistic party, and it ain't 
no good; throw it away. (Gestures.) 

Buzzer (imitates gesture). Away goes de Socialists. 

Judge. Then next you comes to the hard black shell. 
Dat also likewise am not what you are looking for. (Ges- 
ture.) So, you throw it away. Dat's de Democratic party. 

Buzzer (gestures). Away goes de Democrats. 

Judge. Ah, but at last, my breddern and my sistern, 
what do you come to? You come to de sweet, inside meat 
ob de kernel, and dat's de Republican party. Yes, my 
hearers, de kernel is de Republican party. 



12 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Bl'Zzeu. \'es, my hearers, and nine times out ob eight, 
dat kernel is rotten. 

Judge. But there has been entirely too much inconse- 
(juentiality round here. 

Buzzer. Um, um ! One of dem is biting me now. 

Judge (turns to him for the first time). What is biting 
you ? 

Buzzer. One of dem consequentialities. Got a sting 
worse'n a hornet. 

Judge {to audience). In face ob de calamity we must 
maintain a dignified and calamitous configuration in order 
to prevent de efifervescence ob de ardusity. In other words, 
my breddern and my sistern, vote de Republican ticket, 
vote it straight and vote it often. (Sits down.) 

All (applaud zi'ildly). Hurray! (All sit doziii.) 

Buzzer (weakly). Hur-oo. 

Judge. Mister Sheriff, you will now proceed with the 
proceedings by calling the roll of the jury. 

Sheriff (rises and calls roll from book). Simon Peter 
Peck-in-Paw. 

Simon (j'ises). Dat's me. (Sits down.) 

Sheriff. DooHttle Dough-Head. 

DooLiTTLE (rises, squeaky voice). President. 

Sheriff. What you mean by President. 

DooLiTTLE. I mean dat I is President. 

Sheriff. You mean you is present, not President. 

DooLiTTLE. I mean dat I'm de president of the I-Will- 
Arise Branch ob de Uplift League ob de African Ameri- 
can Church. 

Sheriff (questions) . You will arise? 

DooLiTTLE (positively). I will arise. 

Sheriff. You's done arose. Set down and shet up. 
(Calls.) Bolivar Chickenfeet. 

Bolivar (rises). Chickenfeet's right here laying for 
you. I'm the plumed and spurred rooster dat cackles on 
Street. 

Sheriff. Chicken, quit your cackling and set down. 
Pinky Pinfeathers. 



HIGH BROWN BPvEACIT OF PROMISE U 

Pinky. Here I is, right off the levvy. 

Sheriff. Yes, and you'll be right back in jail less'n you 
sets down and keeps still. Jake Buttonbuster. 

]ake (docs not rise). Um-um. Dat's me. 

Judge. Um-um. Ten dollars and costs. Dat's me. 

Sheriff. Slimmy Beanpole. 

Slimmy (rises). Here I is. Way up here. 

Sheriff. Get way down there and watch your business. 
(Calls.) Watermelon Wishbone. 

Watermelon (rises). I'm here too. (Sits down.) 

Sheriff. Perfumery Pigsfoot. 

Perfumery (is asleep). Little Joe, little Joe. I'll shoot 
you for a nickel. 

Sheriff. Wake dat crap-shooter up and make him an- 
swer present. 

Perfumery (is awakened). Here I is. 

Sheriff. Inkblack Nightshade. 

Ink. Way back in the corner. 

Sheriff. Inkblack, you is so dark dat I can't distinguish 
you from the shadow.' {Calls.) Hiram Hogliver. 

Hiram (rises). Present, brother. 

Sheriff. Where you get dat brother? 

Hiram (makes signs at him). Don't I belong to de same 
lodge you does? 

Sheriff (goes to him, makes simdar signs). Am you 

up or down? .,m • i 

Hiram. Straight up, son ob Ham, straight up. Which 
way does de wind blow? (Makes more signs.) 

Sheriff (ansn^ering signs). Up into de Freshman 
Mountains. 

Hiram (throws arms around Sheriff). T. 

Sheriff (throzvs his arms around Hiram). N. 

Both. E. tt i i 

Both (sing to tune of ''Oh, Happy Day"). How dry 1 
am, How dry I am, Nobody knows or gives a clam. 
Hiram. Now you knows who I is. 
Sheriff. I most certainly does. Royal and Exalted Spif- 



14 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

ficated Keeper ob de green and black skull and keys, pray 
be seated. {Calls.) Lilyblossom Razorblade. 

Lily (rises and salutes). Here. (Sits.) 

Sheriff {calls). Sappy Bonehead. (No answer.) Sappy 
Bonehead, Sappy Bonehead, why don't voii answer your 
call? 

Sappy {in high effeminate voice). Dat ain't my entitle- 
ments. 

Sheriff. What am your entitlements, den? 

Sappy. My entitlements am Mister Sappy Bonehead. 

Sheriff. You might be Mister Sappy Bonehead when 
you's out movin' in de high-perfumed colored circles, but 
yere in dis court you is jes' plain Bonehead. {Savagely.) 
Get me? 

Sappy. Mercy, how can you be so rude? 

Sheriff. That's all, your honor. They're all here. 

Judge {opens big hook). The first case on the docket is 
White versus Jones. Miss Ammonia White is suing Ras- 
tus Jones for a breach of promise. Where are the law- 
yers? Ah, here they come. 

All {sing). 

Here come the lawyers, stepping down the aisle, 

Mister Snip and Mister Snap, both are full of style, 

Every time they see a gal, jes' watch them lawyers smile, 

There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight. 

(Snip and Snap liave marched dozvn the aisle and on to 
the platform.) 

Snip. Good morning. Judge. 

Snap, Good morning, your honor. You're looking fine 
this morning. 

Snip (at L.). Of course he is. His honor always looks 
fine. In fact, as it says in de statutes, he's a fine looking 
Judge. Dat's ipso factotum. 

Snap {at R.). According to de decision ob Hoyle in his 
book on Habeu^i Corpuses, the Judge is a wonder. 

Judge. That's enough soft soap just now. I admit I'm 
a wonder. 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 15 

Buzzer (at L. corner). Oh, church bell, start to toll. 
You tell 'em, old clock, you cert'n'y got the face. 
Judge. Lawyer Snip, where is your client? 
Snip. Here he comes now, Mr. Rastus Jones. 

Rastus comes sadly down the aisle. 
All (sing). 

Here comes the prisoner, Rastus is his name, 
Bow your head, you ought to be ashamed, 
To come to court in a breach-of-promise game. 
You'll have a hot time in the old town tonight. 
Judge. Lawyer Snap, where is your client? 
Snap. Here comes de poor little broken-hearted robin 
red-breast right now. 

Buzzer. You tell 'em, birdie, you's got the right twitter. 

Ammonia comes coquettishly down the aisle. 
All (sing). 

Here comes the lady, doesn't she look sweet. 
Rings on her fingers, and shoes upon her feet ; 
She's so pretty dat she's sweet enough to eat, 
We'll have a hot time in the old town tonight. 
(Rastus and Ammonia sit at L. table.) 
Judge. Lawyer Snap, you may proceed with the case. 
Snap. Your honor and gentlemen of the jury: 
Bolivar. Dat's me. 

Snap. The circumstances surrounding this case are ap- 
pealing in their very nature. This villain Rastus Jones has 
struck at the home and fireside of every man in this grand 
and glorious country where the star-spangled banner in 
freedom shall wave o'er the land of the free and the home 
of the brave. 

Buzzer. World without end, amen. 

Snap. This case should appeal to every man who has a 
home to defend or a wife to venerate. 
Bolivar. I ain't got no wife. 

Snap. That makes no difference. You love the ladies, 
don't you? 



16 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

BuLiVAR. 1 reckon I do. 

SxAi'. Then your heart ought to beat with sympathy for 
that tender Httle bhick rosebud sitting there, with her head 
bowed down in grief, shame and humihation. 

Buzzer. Lift up your head, Rosebud, and gaze on mc. 

Snap. See here, a fair, sweet young maid whose heart 
has been blasted by the icy breath of that villain and home- 
breaker, Rastus Jones. 

Simon. I move we send him to the pen for life. 

Pinky. And I seconds de motion. 

Judge (rapping garcl). Shut up. Order in the court. 
The jury must be seen and not heard. Let the proceedings 
proceed to proceed. 

Snip {coining to Judge). Your honor, 1 object. 

Buzzer {pusliing in front of Snip). Yes, your honor, 
we objects. 

Judge (hits Buzzer oji Jicad zvitli the bladder). Shet up 
and set down. 

Buzzer. Down it is. {Sits dozvn.) 

Snip. Now, your honor, I object. 

Snap. Your honor, I object to his objecting. 

Snip. Your honor, I object to his objecting to my ob- 
jecting. 

Judge {raps). Order in the court. Order, I say. I 
w^ant order, and nothing but order, and very little of that ! 
Lawyer Snap, go ahead. 

Snap. Ammonia, come here. {She comes to him, lie 
takes her by the hand and leads her to the jury.) \'our 
honor and gentlemen of the jury: We have here the result 
of one of the most profligate and cruel cases of base deser- 
tion that I have ever witnessed. Look at this shy, beau- 
tiful, timid young bud of beauiy. 

Buzzer. Oh, bud, you's done been blighted by de frost. 

Snap. This innocent little eighteen-year-old maiden. 

Buzzer. Forty-eight, forty-eight. 

Ammonia (goes to him in threatening manner). What 
you mean forty-eight? 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 17 

Buzzer. Nuffin a-tall, nuffin a-tall, dat's my policy iiuui- 
bah. dat's all. 

Snap {points to Ammonia). Gentlemen of the jury, look 
at her. Look at my wronged and innocent client. {Loudly.) 
Just look at her. 

Pinky. Ts a lookin' right at her, man. Right at her. 

Bolivar. And so is I. She looks good to me. 

Snap. She looks more than good. She is beauty itself, 
and faith and love and trusting innocence. 

Buzzer. Oh, undertaker, put a lily in ma hand. 

Snap. See her sweet face ! 

Bolivar. Is dat a face? It looks like a smoked ham 
to me. 

Snap. In the words of the poet I would say, "Her face 
is as fair as a starlit night, now isn't she a lovely sight !" 

Buzzer. Oh, waiter, pass the mush ! 

Snap {at C). Then look at this man. {Points to Ras- 
Tus.) This great, big, ugly brute of a man. 

Rastus (standing up). Who you calling names? 

Snap {goes to him bravely). I'm calhng you names. 

Rastus. Sure you is? 

Snap {in bullying tones). Yes, I's sure I is. 

Rastus. Did you ever see me before? 

Snap {tougJi). Naw, I never saw you before. 

Rastus. Den how you know dis is me ? 

Snap (goes to jury). This monster in human form is 
known to the world as Rastus Jones. And what has he 
done? {Loud.) I ask you, what has he done? 

Sappy {in lady's voice). For mercy sakes, don't ask me. 
I don't know. What has he done? 

Snap. He has trifled with the afifections of this little 
bud of beauty, Miss Ammonia White. 

Buzzer. Bud of beauty? Oh, Gabriel, blow your trum- 
pet. 

Snap. He has broken her heart. She can't sleep, she 
can't talk, she can't eat, she can't do nothin' but act blue, 
think blue and sing blue. 

Bolivar. Can she sing real niggah Blues? 



18 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Snap. 'Cou'se she can, clat's all she can sing. 

Bolivar. Lemme hear her. I axes you for proof. Jes' 
lemme hear her. 

Judge. De statutes of de improvised code says dat you 
must produce de evidence in court. Miss Ammonia White, 
step forward and flavor us wif some musical Blues. 
(Specialty by Ammonia.) 

Snap (after song). Then what did that villain Rastiis 
Jones do? (Loud.) What did he do? 

Pinky. Well, what did he do? 

Snap. He won her tender, trusting little heart and then 
he cast it aside, as brutally as the murderer casts his bloody 
victim in the clear crystal waters of the — (insert name of 
small dirty creek). Now I intend to prove that this man 
Rastus Jones is a crook, a child-stealer, a house-burner, a 
chicken-grabber, a wife-beater, a crap-shooter, a Democrat, 
a razor-toter and a bold bad man who ought to be hung 
by the neck until he is dead, dead, dead. 

Buzzer. Sweet daddy, hear ma voice ! 

Snap. The Sheriff will now proceed to call my witnesses 
into court. 

Sheriff (calls). Witnesses for de plaintiff, come into 
court, witnesses for de plaintiff, come into court, witnesses 
for de plaintiff, come into court. 

Aunty Louder, Bucksaw and Spareribs come dozen 
the aisle. 

Aunty. Is you a callin' us? 

Sheriff. Yes, I's a callin' you-all. Come on up yere, 
and come quick. 

Aunty. Don't you get so flipperty, man, or I'll jest nat- 
urally light on you. 

Judge. Sheriff, have these witnesses been sworn? 

Sheriff. Yes, your honor, dey been swearin' all morn- 
ing^ 

Snip {jumps up). Your honor, I object. 

Buzzer (pushes ahead of him). Yes, your honor, we 
object. 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE \9 

Judge (Jiits Buzzer on head zvith bladder). Objection's 
overruled. 

(Snip, Buzzer, Bucksaw and Spareribs sit at table 
at L.) 

Sheriff {to Aunty). Say, old lady, take the stand. 

Aunty. Huh ? 

Sheriff. I said to take de stand. 

Aunty. Yas, I yeerd what you said but I cert'n'y was 
disgusted wif de tone you said it in. I ain't gwine let no 
man order me around. 

Judge. Madam, will you kindly take the chair? 

Aunty {pleased). Oh, yassir, yassir. I'd be most cir- 
cumvented to accede with your proferration. {Sits in wit- 
ness chair.) 

Snap. We just want to ask you a few questions. 

Aunty. Who do? 

Snap. I do. 

Aunty. Who's you? 

Snap. I am the lawyer. 

Aunty. Liar? Is you a liar? 

Snap. No, madam, I am a lawyer. 

Aunty. Dat's what I said. Liar and lawyer is all de 
same thing. 

Snap {sharply). Now, see here, you — 

Aunty {waving arms like a prize fighter). Come on an' 
hit me! Come on an' hit me! I jes' dares you to! 

Judge. Lawyer Snap, I'll ask the witness a few ques- 
tions. Now, Aunty, look at that man there! {Points to 
Rastus.) Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar? 

Aunty. No, sah. I never seen Rastus at no bar. De 
bars is all done gone outa business, since they done made 
the country dry. 

Judge. Did you ever see him with Miss Ammonia? 

Aunty (loftily). Oh, yassir, yassir. I done seen him 
with her with much frequency. You see she rooms at my 
house, and Rastus he done come there to see her. 

Judge. When he was with her how did he act? 



20 HIGH BROWM BREACH OF PROATISE 

x\uNTY, He acted promiscuous, dat's how he acted — 
promiscuous. 

All (laugh). 

Judge (raps). Order in the court. 

Buzzer. Um, um! Dig me a grave and bury me deep. 

Judge. What do you mean by acting promiscuous? 

Aunty (coyly). Aw, you know, Jedge. You know how 
you used to act when you went courtin' your best gal on 
a Saturday night. 

Judge. I want to know just what you mean. 

Aunty. Well, den — he acted mushy. 

Snip. I object to the mush. 

Snap, And I also object to the mush. 

Buzzer. I wonder what's de matter wif dat mush. 

Judge. I overrule the mush. Lawyer Snip, take the 
witness. 

Snip. Where'll I take her to? 

Buzzer. Take her down to the river and throw her in. 

Snip. Now, Aunty, I want to ask you a few questions. 

Aunty. Go on an' ax 'em ; go on an' ax 'em. 

Snip. Did you ever see my client, Mr. Jones, kiss the 
plaintiff ? 

Aunty. Did I ever see him kiss what? 

Snip. I ax you is you ever see Rastus kiss Ammonia? 

Aunty. Oh, yassir, yassir, I done seen dat. Many 
times, many times. 

Snip. Where did he kiss her? 

Aunty. Huh ? 

Snip. I ax you where did he kiss her? 

Aunty. Well, he kissed her — he kissed her on the 
(pause a little) on the front gallery. 

Buzzer. Ring dem bells, kase there's joy in ma heart ! 

Snip. Did he ever propositionate any matrimonial oft'er- 
ation to her? 

Aunty. Did he do which? 

Snip. Did he ax her to marry him ? 

Aunty. Yassir, he did. 

Snip. How do you know? 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROA/flSE 21 

Aunty (snappish). Kase I knows a matrimonial propo- 
sition when I sees it. 

Snip. Yes, when you see it — but did you hear it? 

Aunty. No, sah, I didn't jest exactly hear it. 

Snip. Why not? If he proposed to her, why didn't yon 
hear it? 

Aunty. Kase I was in ma front parlor singin' at ma 
organ. 

Snip. Oh, you were singing, were you? 

Aunty. Yaas {quickly), dat's what I was. 

Snip. Were you singing loud? 

Aunty. Jest medium, jest medium. 

Snip. Let me hear you sing. Your honor, it's very im- 
portant to know just how loud she was singing. 

Snap. Your honor, I object. 

Judge. Overruled. Go ahead. Aunty, and show us jest 
how loud you was singing. We'll all join in and help you. 
(Specialty by Aunty and chorus by All.) 

Snip (after song). If you were singing that loud yon 
didn't hear him propose to her. 

Aunty. No, sah, I didn't hear it, but I got mighty good 
eyesight. 

Snip. Did you see him propose? 

Aunty. I see him kneel down and look up into her eyes 
like a dying calf in a rainstorm. Then she grabbed him 
round the neck and kissed him. 

Buzzer. Umm ! Pork chops and graby. 

Aunty. Dat's what I seen. 

Snip. So she kissed him, did she? 

Aunty. Yassir, shore did. I take my oath to dat. 

Snip. Didn't he kiss her back? 

Aunty. No, sah. 

Snip. How come. 

Aunty. How come what? 

Snip. How come he didn't kiss her back? 

Aunty. Kase she wasn't turned dat way. 

Snip. I mean didn't he return her kisses? 



22 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Aunty. Oh, yassir. I reckon he did. 

Snip. That's all. The witness is dismissed. (Sits down 
at L.) 

Snap. Hold on. I want to cross-examine the witness. 
(Goes to her.) 

Aunty (suspiciously). You wanna what? 

Snap. I'm going to cross-examine you. 

Aunty (angrily). You go way from yere, man, an' keep 
your distance. (Toss head and speak to audience airily.) 
I ain' gwine let no man cross-examine me. 

Snap. Are you sure that you saw Rastus kiss Ammonia? 

Aunty. Cou'se I'm sure. Don't I know a kiss when I 
sees it? 

Snap. When did this osculation eventuate? 

Aunty (angrily). You better not call me no names. 

Snap. I mean when did this kissing take place? 

Aunty. Dog if I know whether it was Saturday night 
or a Sunday mawnin'. You see when Rastus comes he 
stays so late dat his Saturdays jes' naturally oozes right 
'long into Sunday. 

Snap. Are you sure Ammonia kissed him? 

Aunty (snaps). 'Cou'se I's sure. How many times you 
want me to tell you ? I seen her kiss him. I guess I knows, 
I seen her kiss other men, too. She's de most promiscuous 
kisser in ma boardin' house. 

Snap. Now, that will do. That's enough. 

Aunty. I seen her kiss you, too. 

Snap. Sit down. The witness is dismissed. 

Aunty. I ain't gwine to be dismissed till I gets ready. 
Don't you git so hipperty-flipperty wif me, Lawyer Eben- 
ezer Fewclothes Snap. I'm yere to tell what I knows, an' 
t gwine tell it, too. Jedge (points to Snap), dat man 
Dwe me nineteen dollars an' sixty-eight cents fo' his board 
bill. Yas, he do, an' his wife she owe me more'n dat. 

Judge. That's got nothing to do with this case. You 
go over there and sit down by the table. 

Buzzer. Yas, you come over yere and set down by me. 

Aunty. Who's dat black steam whistle lettin' off all 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 2Z 

dat noise? You better not go gettin' flirtatious wif me, 
boy, kase I ain' gwine stand it. I's a lady, I is, an' I 
don't low iio lump of coal-black to get talky wif me. 

Buzzer. Oh, undertaker, dig me a grave and bury 
me deep. 

Aunty. I bet de undertaker will have to dig you a 
grabe if you go makin' google eyes at me. Jes' one more 
word out ob you an' you gwine to feel de sexton pattin' 
you in de face wif a spade. I might be old, boy, but I 
cert'n'y is spry. 

Judge (raps). Order in the court. 

Aunty (to Judge). Who you talkin' at? 

Judge. I'm talking at you. Sit over there by the table 
or I'll fine you ten dollars for contempt of court. 

Aunty. Fine inc ten dollars for contempt to court ! Say, 
man, if you is de court ten dollars wouldn't express all de 
contempt I got. (Goes to seat beside Buzzer, makes a 
threatening gesture at him, he runs hack of Judge's chair.) 

Judge. Call the next witness. 

Sheriff (to Bucksaw). Take the stand. 

Bucksaw (in witness chair). Yassir, I's here. 

Snap. What's your name? 

BucKSAw^ Name's Solomon Bucksaw. I lives in Dead 
Men's Alley, an' de further down you goes de tougher it 
gets, and I lives in de last house. 

Buzzer. Hot dog! 

Judge. W^ell, Mr. Bucksaw, what do you know about 
this case? 

Bucksaw. I don't know nothin' 'bout no case no time. 

Aunty. Yes he do, too. He yeerd Rastus propose to 
Ammonia jes' de same as I did. 

Judge. Is this true? Did you see Rastus propose to 
Ammonia ? 

Bucksaw. I reckon I did. 

Judge. Where were you? 

Bucksaw. Up in my room in Aunty Louder's boarding 
house. I lives dere. 

Judge. W^hat did you hear Rastus say? 



24 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Bucksaw. Well, I ain't yerd him say nothin', 'cause 1 
was playing on my banjo {or mention appropriate instru- 
ment) at de time, but I seen him. 

Judge. How loud were you playing? 

Bucksaw. Just about dis loud. (Plays chord on banjo, 
or tno nth-harp, or any other instrument.) 

Judge. Let me hear just what you were playing when 
you saw Rastus propose to Ammonia. 
{Music by Bucksaw.) 

Snip. Now, Mr. Bucksaw, if you were playing that 
loud, you didn't hear Rastus say a word, did you? 

Bucksaw. Well, I could 'a yeerd him, ef it hadn't been 
for de quartet. 

Snip. Oh, there was a quartet, too, was there? 

Bucksaw. Yas, sah. Him, and him, and him, and him. 
{Points to four of the jury.) 

Snip. They were making noise, too, were they? 

Aunty. No, dey wasn't, dey was singin' me a sweet ser- 
enade. Dem's all my gentlemen friends. 

Buzzer. Oh, Lizzie, pour some 'lasses on ma bread ! 

Snip. Your honor, I'd like to hear how loud that quar- 
tet was singing. 

Judge. All right. Come out here, boys, and sing us the 
song you sang last Saturday night when you were sere- 
nading Aunty Louder. 

{Qnartct Specialty.) 

Snip. Now, Mr. Bucksaw, if all this music was going 
on that night, you didn't hear Rastus say a word, did you? 

Bucksaw. No, sah. I don't 'spect I'did. 

Snap. But you know that he proposed marriage to her, 
don't you? 

Bucksaw. Yassir. She done told me that. 

Snip. Oh, she told you so, did she? {To Judge.) He 
doesn't know it himself, he only knows what Ammonia 
told him. 

Judge. That'll do. Bucksaw. Sheriff, call the next wit- 
ness. 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 25 

Sheriff (to Spareribs). Take the witness chair. 

Snap. What's your name? 

Spare. My name's Juicy Spareribs. 

Buzzer. Oh, mamma, pass my plate ! 

Snap. Where do you hve? 

Spare. At Aunty Louder's boarding house. 

Snap. Where were you last Saturday niglit? 

Spare. Settin' in my front window, wif my shoes ofif, 
airin' ma feet. 

Snap. What did you see? 

Spare. I see Rastus makin' love to Miss Ammonia.. 

Snap. Are you sure you saw that? 

Spare. Posolutely. 

Snap. Sure, are you? 

Spare. Absotively. 

Snap. Did he ask her to be his wife? 

Spare. Shore did. 

Snap. You heard him with your own ears,, didn't you? 

Spare. No, sah. I didn't hear him with ma own ears. 

Snap. But you are sure you saw him? 

Spare. Well, I ain't exactly sure. 

Snap. Then why do you come up here and say that he 
proposed to her? 

Spare. Why? Is dat what you ask me — why? 

Snap. Yes, sir. Why? 

Spare. 'Cause you done give me three dollars to say dat. 

Snap. Shut up. 

Spare. Well, you did. You told me yesterday that if I 
said Rastus proposed to Ammonia you'd give me five dol- 
lars, and you already done gimme three. 

Aunty. Dat ain't nuffin. He gimme six dollars to say 
de same thing. 

Bucksaw. ITe only gimme three dollars an' six bits. 

Judge. Snap, you've been bribing the witnesses. I fine 
you ten dollars for contempt to court. Got any more wit- 
nesses ? 

Snap. Call the plaintiff. 

Sheriff. Miss Ammonia, take the chair. 



26 HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Ammonia. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. 

Snap. Now, Ammonia, 1 want the truth, the whole 
truth, and nothing but the truth. 

Ammonia. Yes, sir. Dat's jes' what you'll get, 'cause I 
don't never tell no lies to no one at no time. 

Snap. Did Rastus Jones ever ask you to marry him? 

Ammonia. Yes, he did. He was alia time askin' me 
to marry him, but whenever I lead him towards de church, 
he'd get cold feet and 'low he wasn't ready. 

Snap. When he asked you to marry him, what did you 
say ?• 

Ammonia. I said, Honey love and lump of sweetness — 

Snap. I mean, did you say yes, or no? 

Ammonia. I said yes. Dat's what I said. Yes, honey, 
I'm yours for life. 

Snap. Did he ever kiss you? 

Ammonia. Yes, sir, he did. Cou'se he did. 

Judge. How did he kiss you? 

Ammonia. Jest naturally, Jedge, jest naturally. 

Judge. I mean were they the cold kisses of friendship 
or the warm kisses of afifection? 

Ammonia. Jedge, dem kisses was so hot dat I had to 
wear ear-muffs made outa asbestos to keep from burning 
up. 

Buzzer. Oh, put me in ma little bed and cover up ma 
feet! 

Snap. I think that will do. 

Snip. Just a minute. Are you sure he kissed you, Am- 
monia ? 

Ammonia. Deed I is. When I gets a kiss I knows it. 

Snip. Did he ever talk to you over the telephone? 

Ammonia. Yes, he did. Kissed me over the telephone, 
too. 

Snip. Oh, that's nothing. 

Ammonia. You said a mouthful, man. A kiss over the 
telephone is jest like having a million dollars in your mind. 

Buzzer. Well, stand me up and knock me down ! 

Snip. You say he asked you to marry him? 



HIGH BROWN BREACH* OF PROMISE 27 

Ammonia. Yessir, dat's what I said, and dat's what he 
done. 

Snip. Well, why didn't the ceremony take place? 

Ammonia. I don't know. 

Snip. Didn't you return his affection? 

Ammonia. Cou'se I did. I was willin' and anxious 
to get married, but when de time rolled round, he 'low he 
ain't got money enough to support a wife. I tell dat to 
Mistah Lawyer Snap and Lawyer Snap he tell me to sue 
Rastus for a breach-ob-promise case. Dat's all. 

Snip. That's enough. You may go over there and sit 
down. 

Ammonia (sits by tabic). And I's a broken-hearted lily 
from dat day to this. {IVceps.) He's done trifled wif nia 
affectations, made a graveyard outa my heart to bury his 
triflin' in. {Weeps.) 

Buzzer. Oh, sweet daddy, get an umbrella, kase it looks 
like rain. 

Snip. Rastus, take the chair. (Rastus sits in zvitncss 
chair. ) 

Judge. What's your name? 

Rastus. Ma maiden name is Jones. Rastus Jones. 

Judge. Did you ever ask Ammonia to marry you? 

Rastus. Yes, sah, I did. 

Judge. How come you didn't marry her, then ? 

Rastus. Well, I done seen Lawyer Snap a-huggin' her 
one night, and I jest naturally lost all my enthusiasm. 
Dat's how come. 

Snap. Are you sure you saw what you say you saw? 

Rastus. Yassir, I say I saw what I say I saw. Dat's 
what I saw. 

Snap. Your honor, that little hug has no bearing on this 
case. 

Buzzer. I'll bet dat man's some hugger. Hot dog ! 

Snap. Now, Judge, it is plain that the defendant asked 
the plaintiff to marry him and then refused to live up to 
his part of the contract. Of course it's plain. Why it's 
just as plain as the nose on your face. 



28 ^ HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 

Judge. Whose nose? 

Snap. Your nose. 

Judge. Don't you make no remarks about ma nose. 
Rastus, go over there and set down. Is that all your wit- 
nesses, Snap? 

Snap. Dat's all, your honor. 

Bolivar (stands up). Wait a minute. I's a witness. 

Sheriff (goes to him). You keep still. You're on tho 
jury. 

Bolivar. Dat never makes no never mind wif me. I 
know sump'm about dis yere case and 1 claims to tell it. 

Snap. What you know about dis case? 

Bolivar. You gwine to find out what I knows. 

Judge. All right. Bolivar, take the stand. 

Snip. What's your name? 

Bolivar. Name Bolivar Chickenfeet and 1 lives in Mem- 
phis. 

Snip. Do you know Rastus Jones? 

Bolivar. No, sah. I dunno no Rastusses, at all. 

Snip. Do you know Ammonia White? 

Bolivar. Shore do. I knowed Ammonia when she 
lived in Memphis last year. I knows Lawyer Snap, too. 
lie also lived in Memphis last year. 

Snip. Well, what about it? 

Bolivar. This about it. Him and her is married man 
and wife. 

Snip. Who are man and wife? 

Bolivar. Ammonia and Lawyer Snap. Her name ain't 
White no more at all. She's Mrs. Lawyer Snap, and dey's 
got four five little Snappers to prove the truth of ma state-, 
ment. 

Buzzer. Oh, Abraham, blow your bugle, 'cause de cat's 
done out o' de bag. 

Judge. Lawyer Snap, is this true? 

Snap. Yes, Jedge, I has to admit it. I reckon it is. 

Judge. Then the whole case has been a frame-up. How 
come you to have her sue Rastus Jones for a breach ob 
promise when she's already your lawful wedded wife? 



HIGH BROWN BREACH OF PROMISE 29 

Snap. Jest 'cause I needs de money, Jedge, dat's how 
come. 

Judge. Accordin' to de precincts ob my jurisdiction 1 
hereby and herewith line you 'leven hundred dollars for 
contempt to court, and sentences you to ninety days in de 
county jail for try in' to work a flim-flam game on an honest 
man. Sheriff, clear the court, the case is dismissed. And 
go over there and arrest dat low-down hunk ob charcoal, 
Lawyer Snap. 

Sheriff liandcitffs Snap zinth huge chain and he and 
Buzzer lead him around stage, Judge and Aunty follozv, 
then Snip and Ammonia, then all others inarching in pairs 
as they sing: 

All {sing as ihcy march around the platform). 
Lawyer Snap gets ninety days in jail, 
Ain't nobody a-goin' to go his bail, 
Ought to take him out and ride him on a rail, 
He'll have a hot time in the old town tonight. 

{They all march out, dozen tJirougJi the audience, singing) : 
All you people, we hope you liked the show, 
If you didn't, just take your hats and go. 
But don't ask for your money because we need the dough, 
There's been a hot time in the old town tonight. 

{Repeat the last I'crse until all are out at rear.) 
The End. 



The Lady of the Library 

By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 

Price, 35 Cents 

A delightful comedy-drama of village life in 3 acts; 5 malew, 
10 females. Time. 2 hours. Scene: Reading room of a jOi.bli., 
library; easily set. A most refined and lovable librarian of 60 

{'^ears, surprisingly youtliful in appearance and manner, plays the 
eading role. Through her selection of literature the town has 
been brought up to a high standard. Although sincerely in love 
with a certain judge, she has allov^red the whims of othia-?. tc 
keep tliem apart for many years; however, they are finally \mited. 
Pearl, the pretty ingenue, a strong part. Bits of good comedy 
furnished by two typical old maids, a movie actress, newlvweds 
and the "proprietor of the dust rag." A story that inspires the 
most pleasant thoughts and is bound to find its way to the heart 
of every audience. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act T. — Morning at the Library. A movie actregs in oruinary 
role. "Miss Avis won't be an old maid wlien slie's a liundred." 
Burr warns Pearl against tlie fate of a spinster. Tlie missing 
book. Mrs. Nelson recalls old times. The new preaclier feels 
called to set to rights a few things. "Would you close the doors 
of knowledge to your four-footed brotliers?" Mrs. Edgeworth 
exerts her authority. A startling insinuation. Avis unlocks the 
chambers of the past. "God be merciful to all who are born 
w^omen!" 

Act II. — Mrs. Edgeworth on the war-path. Sam assumes the 
blame. "I'm the guy that put the sin in Cincinnati." The Judge's 
return takes everybody by surprise. The preaclier interviews 
Pearl and Susanne appeals for religious instruction. Mrs. Edge- 
worth's accusation is met by opposition. "If this was the Judg- 
ment Day and you were the Angel of Death itself. I could give 
no other answer!" "I would stake my very life on her honesty." 

Act III. — Sam gets poetic through literary association. The 
preacher hears the story of Pearl's origin. Avis resigns her 
position. The Judge hears of the pearl ring and finds the long- 
sought child. Mrs. Edgeworth's change of heart. "Of course 
the dear child was not at all to blame." The Judge reveals the 
mystery of the lost volume and Burr contributes his share to 
the revelation. Pearl speaks her mind. "I have nothing what- 
ever to say to Burr's mother." Mrs. Edgeworth rejoices. "I 
have always longed for a daughter." Susanne frightens the min- 
ister. "Go away, lady!" Avis receives and answers lier letter at 
last. The Judge "considers their ages" and gets his "turn" at 
last. "Is it too late to find the minister?" 



At Harmony Junction 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy character sketch for a singing quartette; 4 males. 
Time, 20 minutes. The rube station agent, the colored porter, 
the tramp and the stranger supply mirth and melody wliile wait- 
ing for the train "due th' day before yistiddy." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave., CHICAGO 



Safety First 



By SHELDON PARMER 

Price, 35 Cents 

ti'arce-comedy, in 3 acts; 5 males, 5 females. Time, 2^4 hours. 
Scenes: A pai'lor and a garden, easily arranged. A sprightly 
farce full of action and with a uniitue plot teeming with unex- 
pected turns and twists that will make the audience wonder "what 
on earth is coming next." Behind the fun and movement lurks 
a great moral: Always tell the truth to your wife. The cast 
includes three young men, a funny policeman, a terrible Turk, 
two young ladies, a society matron, a Turkish maiden and Mary 
O'Finnigan, the Irish cook. The antics of the terror-stricken 
husband, the policeman, the dude and the Irish cook start the 
audience smiling at 8:15 and send them home with aching sides 
from the tornado of fun at 10:40. Suitable for performance any- 
where, but recommended for lodges, clubs and schools. Not a 
coarse or suggestive line in the play. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Jack's lil suburban home. A misplaced husband. "He 
kissed me good-bye at eighteen minutes after seven last night, 
and I haven't laid eyes on him since." The Irish maid is full 
of sympathy but she imagines a crime has been committed. 
Elmer, the college boy, drops in. And the terrible Turk drops 
out. "Sure the boss has eloped wid a Turkey!" Jerry and Jack 
come home after a horrible night. Explanations. "We joined the 
Shriners, I'm the Exalted Imported Woggle and Jack is the Ba- 
zook!" A detective on the trail. Warrants for John Doe, Richard 
Roe and Mary Moe. "We're on our way to Florida!" 

Act II. — A month later. Jack and Jerry reported drowned at 
sea. The Terrible Turk looking for Zuleika. The return of the 
prodigals. Ghosts! Some tall explanations are in order. "I never 
was drowned in all my life, w^as I, Jerry?" "We w^ere lashed to 
a mast and we floated and floated and floated!" A couple of 
heroes. The Terrible Turk hunting for Jack and Jerry. "A Turk 
never injures an insane man." Jack feigns insanity. "We are 
leaving this roof forever!" The end of a perfect day. 

Act III. — Mrs. Bridger's garden. Elmer and Zuleika start on 
their honeymoon. Mabel forgives Jack, but her mamma does not. 
They decide to elope. Jerry's scheme works. The two McNutts. 
"Me middle name is George Washington, and I cannot tell a 
lie." The detective falls in the well. "It's his ghost!" Jack and 
Jerry preparing for the elopement. Mary Ann appears at the 
top of the ladder. A slight mistake. "It's a burglar, mum, I've 
got him!" The Terrible Turk finds his Zuleika. Happiness at last. 

Foiled, By Heck! 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 25 Cents 

A truly rural drama, in 1 scene and several dastardly acts; 
3 males, 3 females. Time, 35 minutes. Scene: The mortgaged 
home of the homespun drama, between sunup and sundown. 
Characters: Reuben, a nearly self-made man. His wife, '.vho 
did the rest. Tlieir perfectly lovely daughter. Clarence, a rustic 
hero, by ginger! Olivia, the plaything of fate, poor girl. Syl- 
vester, witli a viper's heart. Curses! Curses! Already he has 
the papers. A screaming travesty on the old-time "b'gosh" drama. 

r. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave., CHICAGO 



An Old Fashioned Mother 

By WALTER BEN HARE. 
Price, 35 Cents 

Tlie dramatic parable of a mother's love, in 3 acts; 6 males, 
6 females, also the village clioir or quartet and a group of silent 
villagers. Time, 2^4 houis. One scene: A sitting I'oom. A play 
of righteousness as pure as a )nother's kiss, but witli a moral 
that will be felt by all. Contains plenty of good, wholesome 
comedy and dramatic scenes that will interest any audience. 
Male Characters: The county sheriff; an old hypocrite; the selfish 
elder son; the prodigal younger son; a tramp and a comical coun- 
try boy. Female Characters: The mother (one of the greatest 
sympathetic roles ever written for amateurs); the village belle; 
the sentimental old maid; the good-hearted hired gii'l; a village 
gossip and a little girl of nine. Especially suited for church, 
Sunday school, lodge or school performance. 

SYNOPSIS. 

Act, I. — The Good Samaritan. Aunt Debby's farmhouse in late 
March. The Widder rehearses the village choir. Sukey in trouble 
with the old gray tabby cat. "She scratched me. I was puttin' 
flour on her face for powder, jest like you do!" Lowisy Custard 
reads her original poetry and Jerry Gosling drops in to see if 
there 'are to be any refreshments. "That's jest what maw says!" 
Lowisy and Jonali pass the fainting tramp by the wayside and 
Deborah rebukes them witli the parable of the Good Samaritan. 
The tramp's story of downfall due to drink, "A poor piece of 
driftwood blown hither and thitiier by the rough winds of ad- 
versity." John, Deborah's youngest son, profits by the tramp's 
experience. "From this moment no drop of liquor shall ever pass 
my lips." Jolin arrested. "I am innocent, and when a man can 
face his God, he needn't be afraid to face tlie law I" 

Act II. — A Mother's Love. Same scene but three years later, 
a winter afternoon. "Colder'n blue and purple blazes and snowin' 
like sixty." Jerry's engagement ring. "Is it a di'mond? Ef it 
ain't I'm skun out of two shillin'." "I been sparkin' her fer 
nigh onto four years, Huldy Sourapple, big fat gal, lives over 
at Hookworm Crick." Deborah longs for news from John, the 
boy who was taken away. The Widder gossips. "I never seen 
sich a womern!" "You'd think she was a queen livin' in New 
York at the Walled-off Castoria." Lowisy is disappointed in 
Brotlier Guggs and decides to set her cap for Jonah. Deborah 
mortgages the old home for Charley and Isabel. The sleighing 
party. "Wliere is my wandering boy tonight?" The face at the 
window. Enoch and John. "I've been weak and foolish, a thing 
of scorn, laughed at, mocked at, an ex-convict with the shadow 
of tlie prison ever l)efore me, but all that is passed. From now 
on, with the help of God, I am going to be a man!" 

Act III. — The Prodigal Son. Two years later. Deborah bids 
farewell to the old home before she goes over the hills to the 
pooihouse. "The little liome wliere I've lived since John brought 
me home as a bride." The bitterest cup — a pauper. "It ain't 
right, it ain't fair." Gloriana and the baby. ""There ain't nothin 
left fer me, notliin' but the poorhouse." The sheriff comes to take 
Aunt Deb over tlie hills. "Your boy ain't dead. He's come back 
to you, rich and respected. He's here!" The return of the prod- 
igal son. Jerry gets excited and yells, "Glory Hallelujah!" The 
joy and happiness of Deborah. "Honor thy father and thy 
mother that thy days may be long in the land." 

T* S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers ~^ 

623 S. Wabash Ave., CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COIMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 
Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 
Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 
Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 
Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 



7 9 



Hans Von Smash, 30 min 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 
Just Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m, 
Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 
Mrs. Stubbing' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 
Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 

Pat's Matrimonial Venture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 
Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
Teaclver Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 
Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min . . 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 
Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price IS Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 
Family Strike, 20 min....... 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 
Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 



Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min ... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min ..... 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35- min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, IS min 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each . 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min ' 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 
Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbvella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min .10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m.l4 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 
Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungry, 1 5 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min..... 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 'min 5 1 

Oh, DoctOi- ! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T.S.DENISON&COMPA14Y,Publishers,623S. Wabash Ave.. Chicago 



1—921 



POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 

Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 35 cents each 



THE FAVORITE 
BOOKOFDEILLS" 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 



Monologues Grave and Gay. 

Dramatic and humorous. 
Scrap- Book Recitations. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos., per No. 35c 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomime*, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Larse illustrated Catalosue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Pubiishers,623S. Wabash Ave.. Chicago 



S!!,r°^^o!^ 




